Every day this week since I wrote that last blog post about bearing a churchbaby I have vacillated between wanting to crawl into bed to panic in the darkness to a deranged and hyperactive excitement erupting into way too many emails in the span of 5 minutes to one graphic designer friend. In many ways this feels like a kind of fertilization, one that is reminiscent of both my pregnancies. It’s always a mixed bag. Anticipation and terror. I can’t wait to meet the baby but I’m not ready for this baby. Elation and aversion. This baby is a beautiful miracle. Get this baby out of me!! Vivacity and total, sheer exhaustion. Though I felt like in the beginning I was able to live on just a handful of hours of sleep I felt simultaneously ready to collapse at any moment. I still do, sometimes.
But, now that I’ve put it out there, even though I did put the qualifier in at the end, “This may not turn into anything at all – I’m totally aware of that possibility,” I still feel like I have to do this now. Because you readers are holding me accountable. I know that no one – well, maybe a few – may be thinking, “Oh, it’s another one of her crazy ideas because she’s bored,” or “If she doesn’t follow through with this to some measure of visible success then it’s just evidence that she’s a serious 7 (Enneagram) and can’t stay focused on anything.”
Yet, I still feel that since it’s been verbalized there’s a pseudo-covenant being formed here. And, it’s not that I fear failure so much, (although, I totally do fear that, of course) but more the inevitable insane giving of oneself over to the roller coaster ride of work – the emotions, the challenges, the people. That’s where the analogy to parenting is helpful to me. It’s a world of pain and hurt – this giving of oneself to another little creature. And why do we do it? I can think of a myriad of reasons, but for now, the one that compels me the most is to be changed myself.
With anything new I know we do a little at a time. So, these are the baby steps I’ve taken so far.
1. I volunteer at the Shalom Community Center now 1-2 times a week in the kitchen and the hospitality desk.
2. I volunteer with the Interfaith Winter Shelter on Thursday nights for set up and registration until the last day of the season which is March 31st. The point of these commitments is to simply show up and be present in the homeless community.
3. I have had lovely encouraging and inspiring conversations with other churchy types – church planter, Catholic Worker types, and mainliners.
4. I continue to spend time with students and making plans with other student campus groups to lay the groundwork for hosting a possible Dinner Church with the homeless starting in April. Just need to find a space.
5. I’ve been talking with numerous people about starting a mobile food business called Kup Bop to make this churchbaby financially sustainable. More on that later, including a Kickstarter if I get the balls. And figure out where to store a food cart.
I’m not looking to be one of those huge church plants. That’s not appealing at all to me. But I do want to do something meaningful. It seems fitting on the MLK Jr Day that I think really seriously about local community and impact, and how important it is to be a part of something that is meaningful right in our neighborhood. When people have often lamented to me about how overwhelming and huge #blacklivesmatter and mass incarceration and the immigration and refugee crisis seems and “what can we do?” I hold onto the advice that scholar-theologian-lawyer Andrea Smith gave a group of us about revolution: “We need to execute numerous direct actions. Do what you can in your neighborhood, community, town, and city. We need everyone.”
That’s how change happens. Baby steps.
Thanks for journeying with me.